Hamlet said Much Ado to Romeo and Juliet's Hetalia
by dancer4ver
Summary: The countries act out some of Shakespeare's greatest works. England is offended.


**A/N**: So I was attacked by this crackish plot bunny while reading a modern day version of _Romeo and Juliet_ and thought "Why don't I Hetalia-ize these plays?" Wouldn't Shakespeare be proud? XD If you haven't read the plays (I haven't actually fully read _Romeo and Juliet_) then you might not get all the jokes, but I tried to include all the necessary info.

Please Enjoy!

**Extra Note**: Although Shakespeare is rumored to have been gay, he did not write yaoi. Hero is a girl's name. Yes, I was very disappointed when I found this out too.

**Disclaimer: Hetalia is not mine. All play titles and script excerpts belong to William Shakespeare.**

* * *

"So what you're saying is that not only can I not keep a girlfriend, but my crazy uncle killed my dad and then shacked up with my mom."

From his directors seat England winced slightly at the crude manner in which Prussia had summarized perhaps one of history's best written works before nodding to confirm the—_very_ exaggerated— statement.

"What kind of sicko wrote this shit?"

"William Shakespeare was certainly not a 'sicko'," England said glaring, "And Hamlet is a genius work of literature. It is an in-depth examination of the corruption of man; a dark tale written with the most stylistic—"

"I swear to God I've seen this same story in 'The Lion King'." Prussia said.

England gasped. 'How dare you compare such esteemed literature to a ridiculous children's film? A ridiculous _American_ children's film?"

"It took place in Africa."

"Who fucking cares?" England shrieked, now very much regretting his casting choices. He wondered if it was too late to hold another set of auditions. Japan _had _done a very good job pretending to stab Italy through a curtain.

The problem was that Prussia had already learned most of the lines—well actually he was paraphrasing most of the lines—and it would be extremely difficult to get someone new within the little time remaining. England sighed and sunk back in his seat. It seemed that he was stuck with what he had.

"Also, since Hamlet is a _Danish _prince, shouldn't he be played by Denmark?" Prussia asked.

"He wanted to be Fortinbras. Just get on with the scene. Where is our Ophelia?" At that moment Liechtenstein stepped out from behind the curtains that lead backstage, a distressed and worried look on her face.

"Miss Hungary says she won't play Ophelia unless Austria is Hamlet." She announced.

England was suddenly overcome by the urge to slam his head against a wall. _Nothing_ was going right today. He should have known it would be a disaster after Rosencrantz and Guildenstern –played by Estonia and Latvia—had walked off the set after an unfortunate "encounter" with Claudius—who was _very_ unfortunately played by France.

Prussia did nothing to hide his offense at the news. "What the hell? How can she think that _Austria_ would be a better Hamlet than _me_? Hamlet has fucking conversations with ghosts. It takes a real man to play a role like that. Something Austria obviously isn't."

"I'll let her know." Liechtenstein disappeared behind the curtains and re-appeared once more a few seconds later, looking even more distressed than before.

"Miss Hungary would like you to know, Prussia, that she will be seeing you in the parking lot after rehearsal. What's that?" Liechtenstein leaned into the curtains to hear the rest of the message before turning back. "And she advises you not to run…or hide."

_Perhaps_, England thought as he watched Prussia grow paler by the second_, I should re-cast Hamlet after all_.

* * *

"So Claudio and Hero will be played by Austria and Hungary. Is this fine by you Hungary?" Having finally gotten her way, Hungary nodded and clung tighter to Austria, who only gave her a wan smile in reply. He had certainly not willingly signed up to be in this play.

England continued down the list. "Don John will be Cuba and Don Pedro will be Prussia."

"Why do I keep getting cast as the villain?" Prussia whined from his seat.

"Fine, you can be Leonato."

"I change my mind. I'll be the bad guy."

"And this time learn your lines. No paraphrasing."

Prussia only rolled his eyes. Deciding not to waste his breath yelling, England turned back to the cast list.

"So we pretty much have all the roles except Beatrice and Benedick. I don't really know who would fit them best."

"What kind of characters are they?", asked Spain who was playing Antonio.

England thought for a moment. "They argue and insult each other in order to hide their true feelings for one another. Even though she's a good woman at heart, Beatrice is sometimes a bitch and Benedick, although witty when he needs to be, can be a bit slow. I just can't think of anyone to play them!"

America chose that moment to come crashing through the double doors of the theater. "Hey England! Sorry I'm late! My dog ate my script!"

England whirled on him. "You idiot! You're over an hour late! And you don't have a dog!"

"Says who? I could have bought one yesterday." America said.

"I don't even know why you're in this play. Shakespeare is much too intelligent for that hamburger filled brain of yours."

"I'm not dumb!" America protested, now face to face with England, "And that's why Spark Notes© were invented! Also, I didn't ask to be in this stupid play. You were practically begging me to join."

"I did no such thing!"

"Yeah you did. You were all, 'America, you big strong hero you, you absolutely must be in this awesome play.'"

"I never said that!"

"I remember it clearly."

"You remember nothing! You can't even remember to bring your script!"

"I told you my dog ate it!"

"Shut up! That story is ridiculous!"

The rest of the cast only watched silently as the banter between the two grew more heated by the second.

"Ve~Do you think we should tell them Germany?" Italy asked quietly.

Germany shook his head. "Let's let them figure it out by themselves. That's what Shakespeare did."

* * *

"_What's here? A cup, closed in my true love's hand? Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end.— O churl, drunk all, and left no friendly drop, to help me after?_"

"Oh damn it all." England reached to grab a tissue from the box he had placed next to himself. He had brought it in case things got too emotional for anyone around him, but it seemed that tonight, everyone's eyes were unusually dry.

He had to admit that Switzerland played a damn good Juliet. He and everyone else had only stared in shock when he had said he would play the role instead of his sister, who had originally been chosen. Although the extent of his protectiveness was sweet, at the time, England would have very much rather had Liechtenstein in the role, but said nothing since he did not want to find himself looking down the barrel of a gun.

As usual, the rehearsals had been a disaster and political problems at home had caused most of the cast to be absent until England had finally given up and told everyone to practice on their own and have their lines ready by opening night. If it was going to be an international incident, then so be it. After all, _America_ was playing Romeo. That just about dropped a nuclear bomb on the future of foreign relations.

Still shocked by his initial insistence to play the role, England had not expected anything remarkable from Juliet until Switzerland had stepped out of the dressing room an hour before the performance in full costume and with hair and make-up done by a _very_ oddly talented Belarus and a not so oddly talent Italy.

After ten long seconds of silence, the first person to speak had been Prussia, saying, of course, what the rest of them had been thinking but afraid to say.

"Dudes, Switzerland looks fucking hot."

It was a miracle that no one had been injured, the only victims the bullet riddled stage curtains that had thankfully been quickly replaced on time.

There had been no time for quick run through before, but in the end, it was not needed. Everything went perfectly. No lines were forgotten _or_ paraphrased and France managed to keep his hands to himself...for the most part. It had been too good to be true.

And here was the climax, the finale that had the audience holding their breath and England reaching for another tissue.

"_I will kiss thy lips._" It was almost unbelievable that Switzerland's voice could ever sound so soft as he spoke. "_Haply some poison yet doth hang on them, to make me die with a restorative._"

"Here comes the kiss." Someone whispered next to England, causing the tissue to fall from his hands.

This kiss.

_Oh shit._

He had forgotten the KISS.

Up until this moment, England had tried to ignore the lovely chemistry between America and Switzerland, err, Romeo and Juliet. Or at least view it only from the professional perspective of a director. However, as Switzerland leaned over America's still form, England suddenly realized that he could not let the show go on.

"Stop!" He said, leaping to his feet. Gasps rang out through the audience as the stage lights came on. All eyes—including those belonging to the Queen—were fixed on England, who was slowly beginning to think that maybe that had been a bad idea.

"What play are we doing next?" Seychelles asked Hungary from behind stage.

"_Macbeth_." Hungary replied, giddily watching the events play out in the audience.

Seychelles smirked. Now _that_ she had to see.

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry if I ruined Shakespeare forever for you XD

The order of the plays, in case it wasn't clear, was _Hamlet, Much Ado about Nothing,_ and _Romeo and Juliet_. If you haven't read them, go read them (and I shall go read R and J). Spark Notes © and NoShakespeare are your friends.

-with love

dancer


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